I am having a really hard day and could use some hugs from people who really care and understand....

I saw my neurologist today and he wouldn't touch me with a 10 foot pole. He is very, very concerned - no more PT, no massages. He wants no one touching my neck at all and is recommending surgery. This would mean being out of work for 6-8 weeks. The company I work for is not doing well and layoffs tend to occur in March. I don't want to rock the boat, nor do I want to neglect my health. So, I'm a bit stressed out about that.

Then, I saw T today...and was super, super avoidant. I was not cooperative at all. I was all over the map. After I left, I felt pretty awful about it. I emailed him asking him if he was frustrated or disappointed with me. I told him that I realized that I was super avoidant and that I was sorry. He responded saying that he was not frustrated or disappointed with me and that he appreciates resistance.

Then, I had an incident with my ex tonight where he was helping me out with bringing things into my house. I won't describe what happened because it may be triggery to others....but it ended with 4 cops showing up to my house, him getting arrested and charged with lewdness and me having to go to the police station to file for a restraining order. My daughter knows nothing about this. She is at a friend's house....and because my ex is not stable or predictable, I am soo soo sooo afraid of what he might do as a result of all this. I just keep remembering my T saying to me about a year ago that in the 15 years that he's been a therapist, he has never felt so strongly in imagining my ex appearing at my house one day with a gun to kill me. My T (who was also our marriage counselor - and my ex saw a T that works with my T)....has used the words "predator", "insane", "potentially psychotic", etc. when referring to my ex.

I am having a really, really bad time right now....so can you spare some hugs? I could really use them.