Thank you for the insights.
I have been thinking of looking for a therapist but it gives me a funny feeling to talk about my problems to someone who is paid to listen to them. And is probably thinking - aha, another psycho, an hour, yep we've heard it all before, and then just one more and then I go home. I would feel uneasy, like, this is not really someone who's interested in me. Am I asking too much?
But I will do it if I see I can't fix me on my own. That is why I've joined this group (still amazed I did it), to try and bring myself back to "normal" yet again. I've had these fears for years and sometimes they run out of cpontrol and then again I manage to keep them down. THings have happened recently that made the whole thing escalate again so currently it's the acute "oh my god not again" and "will I ever get out of this" phase. I'm so glad I found all of you, and want to be positive despite myself and think I may actually make it.

I loved the playing idea. I think I may have done it already. And I know that taking it less seriously or with a bit of humour helps. The thing is I have got a new little family member recently and I can't play it down with her. When I think of losing her I paralyse. There are some health problems too and I blame myself for them, grounded or not matters little, I blame myself, fear it will get worse, and this fear makes me fear even more because I think I'm invoking negativity with my negativity. Vicious circle. So insomnia kicked in, my headaches are back, etcetc and the care for the little leaves me no time for my usual meditations, exercises, hobbies or even social contacts. Not that I mind, but there's little to divert my attention from the windmills of my mind. Oh, have I mentioned I've moved country recently and know almost no one here? And that some moths ago I split with my lifelong best friend, amiga del alma, something I would have NEVER EVER thought possible...
Ranting and lamenting, am I?
But at least getting it out.
Thanks ofr being out there and listening ie reading. And you're not even paid to do it.