Okay so I am dealing with my moms death and my sisters not understanding where I am coming from. I have been on medication for the past 2 years for depression. But I have been in and out of therapy for 30 years. I am going though Menopause...even thought today I think I might be pregnant...great something else to add to the pile of worries...I wish I could yell-scream and everything would be okay, but reality is it won't be okay.

I feel like I missed something along the way of being a normal human being. My sisters--well thats a huge issue on its own. 4 older sister who all have their own lives and I am so far away in age its not funny. The 3 older ones are so close in age I have to wonder what my parents were thinking--they weren't. The one that is closes to my age. Well I have huge issues with her cause when I lived with her when I was 13 I was sexually molested by one of her friends and she was too out of it to see anything. I final tell her some of what has happened. I know its not her fault- I know this--but it seems as soon as I told her this instead of being closer it put more distants between us. going as far as her telling me her friends are more important then her own sister. Gee slap in the face on that one.

Really how am I going to deal with that one. With this little background I am up and down in feels. I scream at my kids and then I can't remember why I scream at them. I am happy one moment and the next I am pissed at something. I have a good friend who is bipolar and she is so drugged up most of the time..I just dont' want to go that route, to be in a fog and not be intouch with life--then again do I want to be this angry, depressed weird person. I can't talk to the one person I always went to cause she has died. I hate this.

I just wished that my sisters would just tell me it would be okay...Yes I am angry all the time towards them--why I dont' have a clue..