It seems absurd to be requesting external validation from the PC community for wanting an intimate love relationship. Isn't everyone deserving of love and deserving of a partner to walk through life with? Yet, I deny myself this. I haven't dated in over 10 years, and the relationships I've had lasted no more than a few years, usually much less, with long dry spells in between. I've never been married, and I feel shame about that. It wasn't a conscious choice, more the result of depression, anxiety, and poor self-esteem. Being on disability for the past 6 years, no longer a professional, and struggling financially, I feel that a man of quality, who functions reasonably well in the world, would not be interested in me. I imagine that he'd fear I'd be needy and dependent. I'm also now middle aged.

Meeting the right one didn't happen naturally, and so I'm contemplating online dating. Tried briefly before, unsuccessfully, but other options are limited.

There's also a catch-22 in all of this. I know that I need to love myself first, not seek an external source to fill a void. At the same time, a healthy, respectful relationship (the only kind I want) could provide a sense of security, pleasure of companionship, and (maybe) concrete help with tasks that I bear alone currently.

Maybe these hopes for what a relationship might provide are unrealistic. Maybe I am mostly wanting a "help-mate", relief from the grinding responsibilities I face all alone. I don't know. It's hard to sort it out. I do know that people with problems do find loving mates. I want to believe that I deserve love too. I may not find it, but at least placing myself in situations where I might meet someone would be preferable to continuing the isolation, loneliness, and feeling undeserving, and punished by the Universe through a life sentence of solitude. Any thoughts on these issues would be deeply appreciated. And I hope I'm not posting too many new threads. That's just me trying to transform every aspect of my life all at once, right now!