I have been resisting typing this for a while now…I don’t want to bother anyone with my crap, you guys have plenty, God knows.

There’s so much, I don’t even know where to start….I feel SO LONELY…anymore I sit here at this stupid computer 12 – 14 hours a day sometimes. I rarely see anyone, unless my daughters come over, or unless I go to the store. My first ex-wife emails me a couple times a day—that’s really strange. She sent me an email just before Thanksgiving (I’d been Googled—yewww!) asking after me just at a time I was thinking about seriously considering massive self-harm—strange. I do go to therapy, but so far all she’s doing is giving me job seeking ideas. I told her I’m generally pretty good at getting a job, but I need to figure out how to quit freaking out and quitting—maybe we could work on the whole bipolar thing? I go to two, sometimes three different support groups at the NAMI Hope Center here, which is a great thing.

I don’t have a job, so money is becoming a serious issue…an insurance company owes me a small bit, but after that, I’m sunk. I’ve got big list of things to do in my head, but I can’t even seem to get them written down, much less done. My brain is so tired and disorganized I just don’t know whether to “s%$# or go blind” as they used to say back home.

I guess I’m afraid to do anything, in a way—I’ve screwed everything up so badly to this point, I’m afraid of what the next move will lead to.