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Jan 22, 2011, 01:18 AM
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Member Since: Oct 2010
Location: United States
Posts: 509
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At the end of the day, i think we're all very brave to accept where we're at, and reach out for help - to want to get better![/quote]
I do not intend to dismiss the encouragement you have offered in this statement, but I feel like I have no other choice but to reach out for help; therefore, I do not feel brave at all.
I feel very cowardly & inferior & believe that to be true. I seek the help to make things better because they are so horrible where I am now that I am compelled to do something to change them. But that is not bravery, it is desperation. My only other choice is death & I have proven that I am not able to die either.
Suicide is not something I can succeed at, as experience has taught me. Some may say that is because I was not serious about it when I did make attempts, but I know what my intentions were. What I know now is that it is not in me to do myself in, at least not without the aid of some mindbending alcohol. I have not indulged in that since April of 2009, my last failed attempt.
I had actually realized years before that any attempts at suicide would be useless. It was only the presence of a large amount of alcohol that clouded my mind enough to make me think there was an escape from being me.  When I am sober, I know that I am trapped.
Again, trying to improve the circumstances that come with being me & learning how to best deal with my afflictions is not bravery, but desperation. Desperation is not to be commended. I would hope it would be understood.
Perhaps I am the one who is not seeing the bravery though. Can you tell me what you mean? How can this asking for help be an act of bravery? Although it is not that for me, I would like to know how it is so for others. Tell me more about that please. Thank you.
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