I had a fight with my son a few days ago which was a huge blow out.

There were things leading up to this but in a nut shell, I threw one of his toys (which broke). He came at me kicking my legs and then he bit me on my upper arm. I was so angry and hurt at this point all I wanted to do was hit him, but I didnt because I DO NOT hit my kids. I started to cry and ran up stairs. After a few minutes I came back downstairs and said some pretty horrible things to my son which hurt him pretty badley. He cried himself to sleep that night and I didnt even go in to comfort him at all.

This fight came at a time where I was having a hard time with my OCD (still am) and I know that my anger and actions played a huge part in my behavior. I tried to talk to him the next day after the fight and he seemed so distant and it made me feel even worse.

I received some feedback via PM that has me thinking about this fight, and my behavior surrounding it. I was raised in an abusive home. My father was extremely extremely difficult and strict with with. He did very bad things to me that I wouldnt even dream of doing to another human being. However, during the fight with my son, I told him that "I didnt like him anymore". This is what made him cry himself to sleep that night. Thinking back, this is painfully similar to things that my father would say to me as a child. I have spent so much time learning how not to be like my father and then at a drop of a dime, during this fight, I resorted to verbal abuse on my son. I yell at my kids but I never call them names or degrade, or make them feel bad but during this fight I did, but I didnt mean too. I was hurt and angry and it slipped out. although I know that is no excuse for what I said or my behavior.

I talked to him yesterday, although I didnt really go into details regarding the fight or why I said what I said. I just told him that I loved him very much. Tonight when he was going to bed he said "have sweet dreams MOM". I looked at him and said "you too baby". He smiled and turned over in his bed.

I am planning on talking to him about why I acted the way I did because I feel he deserves an explaination. My children are aware of my anxiety, but they do not know the particulars of my OCD thoughts or the extent of my depression. I feel as though I owe them, or at least him an explanation because I dont want him to feel like the fight is OK or its water under the bridge. I want him to know why I acted that way and that it wasnt his fault.

I guess I want to get some feedback on how much should a 10 year old know about my past (abuse) or my current diagnosis? My daughters are 13 and 14 1/2. Are they old enough to know? I dont want them thinking that I am just a weirdo. Do they need to know the truth? If so, how does one go about explaining such a complicated thing to them? How much is too much info?

I appreciate any feedback you have to offer.



Huggles,


Jen