Thanks for showing concern. I will give u the shorter version:

My old bf had become extremely violent so I knew it was time to get the hell away from him. I kicked him after finding out from our landlady that we were 5 months behind in rent. He was spending everything, leaving us in a financial mess. So I found a new place for the kids and I but could not afford a phone. (thats what happened with the phone-sorry).

So....shortly after moving, he found us and would not leave us move on with our lives. At this point, my ED took over even more than I imagined possible. My weight dropped terribly and I started having heart problems etc.....enough that I was "commited" into hospital. My kids had to move in with their dad-and still remain with him.

Their dad has made such wonderful improvments--in a simplified way--he has really grown up and is trying his best to be a great dad. I am really hopeful for him and his gf. The kids are adjusting very well, although we miss each other dearly. I see them as often as possible and talk to them every second day. I have not lost custody, we are now planning a 50/50 arrangment when I am well again-enough to function properly for the kids.

So I was hospitalized but managed to bolt, even being commited. I had totally panicked at the fact that they had to force nutrition in my body until I could eat on my own. The thought and feelings when I ate were just horrible as I started to gain back weight. But thinking back at what others were telling me--yep, I did look like death. I was so pale and grey looking--eyes sunken in, and the sadness impossible to hide.

I am not anywhere close to where I need to be but time is what we have and with that comes hurting and healing. I doubt hope many days--several times on bad days but have discovered that there is a life worth living. Holding on to this is the toughest part.

I am having difficulties in the medical sense. I have had daily appointments with my doctor (after hiding until I could convince them to lift my certification or what ever u call it). I had to hide for 3 weeks until my doctor felt that by having a warrant out for my arrest under the "mental health act" was not benifical, I was able to come out of hiding and plan with them a way to begin eating on my own. Unfortunately this is not going the greatest as my body is kind of "rejecting" certain nutritional items--mostly proteins. I keep swelling to the point of extra 30 pounds, which is not helpful. I had to go on pills to try and rid of some of the fluid as its soooooo painful. My body is doing the opposite of what it did when I was starving myself as my doctor puts it as: "Your body is in rescue mode and holding on to everything in anticipation of starvation." So it will take a while for my body to accept a normal way of nutrition. I am also dealing with kidney stone problems---ouchies!!!!!

I could go on forever-lolol, but damage has been done. My system can't do certain things on its own yet--not to be gross but the laxatives harmed me the most. This is part of the swelling issues and bloating as well. Its very scary because at this point we can only hope that in time my system will function properly again on its own. We also know that I can't continue doing what I was because I was so damn close to death and my body can't take anymore. I am only 10 pounds away from being underweight but I will take it for now. Better than starving to death. I can't deny that I have to stay away from scales as much as possible because it still upsets me and frightens me when my weight does jump or the bad days of fluid retention and bloating. It's like----AAAAHHHHH, I AM SOOOOO FAATTTT. But its the illness, not me.

I do have a phone number that I can be reached at--just pm me if u would like it.

Thanks for the continued support and caring: I miss u all as well,

Justy