reading your post brought memories for me....during he firsr 1 or 2 yrs I would burn myself with a heated blade...wanting T to SEE my pain...she was seeing it but the process of ecovery is so slow that she had to bear it too knowing that until I was able to tolerate my feelings more then I would continue coping the best way I could...it was an awful time...but now though its still hard at imes...I no longer burn myself...it sounds silly now but I cant do it because it would hurt and it wouldn't fix anything...but thats a big difference saying hat because when I was in that awful place, it was the hurting I wanted and at hat time it did seem as if it was fixing something...I guess its like moving up theough grade sch...as I look back now I see I've outgrown the earlier methods and moved on to being able to stand the pain in a better way...and be able to sit and talk about it...those things were out of my reach at first...i'm sorry your hurting but ake it from me...it does get better...