s_e: I think it's possible that it could have served to trigger a sense of inadequacy or failure.

Possibly. I'll have to think that one over a bit. Actually part of the "history" between my son and me that I keep mentioning is the issue of doing the dishes. It was a constant source of conflict through his teen years. We both have bitter memories of it. As a result last night was actually the first time I'd asked him to wash the dishes since he's moved home. He's home all day. He literally uses every fork and spoon in the house. Yesterday there were six coffee cups standing on the kitchen counter. Yes, I do resent it, and last night I arrived home after 7 and had been looking forward to a tv show that started at 7, and there were all those dishes. So I asked him to do them. And he didn't do them.

s_e: Meantime, here's some possible scenarios to consider:

Yep, I'm all about trying to find a different approach when the first approach fails miserably. Probably I'll simply never ask him to do the dishes again. I'll tell you a secret: I actually enjoy doing dishes. I think last night he hit my "why are you ignoring my needs" button. That's why it made me so mad. He regularly ignores all my requests to respect my needs. It's very hard to say to someone, "Please don't do that. This is very important to me" and have them go right ahead and do it. I feel like I've been spit on.

Anyway I'll do the dishes; he can take out the trash.

s_e: What if...

-- You had leapt to your feet, roared, "Don't ever do that again!" and gone to your room or out for a drive?

-- You had hit him back?

--You had sent him to his room or told him to go out for a walk?

-- The two of you had been able to cool off and then later come back together to talk about any of those emotions that were churning under the surface?

I think all of those would not have worked or would have backfired. He was already in my room. I've done the thing where I left the house when I've felt he was acting out aggressively but it wasn't aimed at me. I draw the line at hitting. I won't leave the house in a similar situation in the future.

I'm actually not a physically aggressive person by nature, in fact I never spanked him. I can't imagine hitting him now. I believe it would have lead to a fight. He's been in several tussles with friends over the last year, and he said after each one that he just didn't know how to handle the situation. In fact he said the same thing to the deputy last night. He didn't know how to react. He gets overwhelmed. I think it would be unwise to yell or return violence. I was suitably indignant I think. That is all he can handle right now without escalating him.

Asking him to leave/go to his room would have resulted in his standing there with a "make me" look on his face and me feeling impotent.

s_e: I'm trying to choose my words carefully for I'm not wanting to trigger remorse or regret so much as I am different ways of looking at the situation and possible ways of resolving similar situations in the future that will ultimately work to your mutual benefit.

Oh, I'll second guess myself no matter what happens. And I always look to see what I did that contributed to the situation.

s_e: Nonetheless, it concerns me when other forms of authority become involved because what seems to happen is parents and children become even more disempowered and often, more estranged.

Yeah, that's always a concern, but I have to class it amongst the things I can't change. The world will do what the world will do.

I believe I did the right thing last night calling the police. When I ask my son not to do certain things there are different categories. I'd like him to stop leaving the toilet seat up. I'd like him to pick up after himself. I'd like him to leave the lights off at night. I'd like him to not punch me in the head. That last falls into a whole different category of request. He ignores those other requests and every other request I make of him. But in the last one I have the whole weight of society behind me. It's intolerable. We don't hit people. We don't walk into the bedrooms of our mothers and punch them in the head without warning and with very little provocation. The response to that level of unacceptable behavior has to be much higher, partly because if the behavior continues he will have to leave my house. I won't allow this to continue long.

I had a very similar situation with my adopted son, so I've actually had a chance to think this one through. He came to me at the age of almost 13. He was placed with me as a pre-adoptive placement (i.e., I wasn't his foster mom), but it took 2 years for the adoption to be finalized (usually less than 6 months - I think they were worried about a single mom handling a teenaged boy with a history of acting out physically). At any time during that 2 years I could have pulled out. The agency also could have decided it wasn't a good placement.

Four or five months after he was placed with me, he started becoming aggressive (he had a history of disrupting foster placements at about 5 months). It started with disrespectful talk and progressed through swearing, grabbing things from my hands, throwing things at me, blocking my path, pushing me, and, finally, hitting me. After the second or third time I told him I would call the police every time he hit me. It felt risky and I didn't want to do it, but I had to set a firm limit.

It took a few times calling the police, but eventually he got this behavior under control. It gave him valuable skills that will help him throughout his life, and it signalled that he was willing to put forth effort to make the placement work.