I saw T yesterday, and it was basically to give him a rundown of what was going on....I was in "shut down" mode because I have been having so many conflicting feelings - spent so much time panicking and crying - over the couple days prior...and since I hadn't slept, I was a bit numb and exhausted. Well, now that I've slept some, the thoughts and feelings have returned and I'm all over the place.

I sent T two more emails...and then called him to leave him a message. I hate feeling so needy.

I asked if he could see me tomorrow, but if not, if he would at least consider providing me with a letter to use in court on Tuesday to help me substantiate my position of it being reasonable for them to do a psych eval on my ex.

I also have 3 other people who are going to provide me with letters sharing their personal experiences with my ex and their feelings towards him, that will help the court see that it is not only me and that I'm not being vindictive, etc.

I don't feel like I am on solid ground at the moment. My feelings go from knowing that I'm doing what I need to do - to feeling sad and sorry for my ex.

Are any of you familiar with the Stockholm Syndrome? If so, that's basically the feelings that I'm going through.....ACK.

I am so afraid of making a mis-step in all this that could put me and my daughter in more danger....I wish I felt stronger right now.

I know I need a break from this. So, I am meeting with my illustrator today to do some brainstorming for more illustrations for the book I was working on and took a hiatus from. I also have a board meeting later tonight for cheerleading. That'll be good.

Tomorrow I will focus on getting all the documentation done and mentally/emotionally preparing myself for Tuesday. I really hope T is able to see me again tomorrow, so I can be sure that I get to where I need to be for Tuesday.

Thank you all so so so much for your support. It means the world to me to have PC here, helping me through this really difficult time. You are all amazing, and I care for each of you. I'm sorry I have been so self-focused lately, but I know you all understand that there are times when we can be there for others - and other times when we need others to be there for us and can't extend ourselves any more than that. This is the only place that I know of where I know I don't have to feel guilty about being where I am right now.



Edited to add: You know, one thing that is kinda sad at the moment is that the one thing I haven't done is reached out to my T group for any support through all this. I could be posting it on the blog, but I am feeling so distant from them and am not sure I would get any feedback at all which would be too hurtful right now. I've been with this group every week for over 2 years, yet I am not willing to reach out to them for support. I find that sad. I wonder if I will even bring up any of this when I go to group T on Tuesday night, after having been at court earlier in the day. It would be a prime time, and I'm sure my T will want to know what happened and how I'm feeling. I don't know. We'll see. Still, kinda sad that I would feel that way after 2 years.