Hun, everything that you just said is how I have felt since I was like 12. I didn't tell anyone, I just wrote a note to my friend about how I was going to kill myself, well she freaked, and then my parents and the school, and all these people got involved. Well, they sent me to this hospital, and they wanted me to stay there, they kept asking if I would be "safe" when I left. I said yeah, and I was, I just wanted out. I went to counseling, but it didn't help, so I stopped going. Come 9th grade I did have a break down, and ended up in the hospital....same one they'd tried to put me in a couple of years before. I came out of the hospital, not really any better, but I just wanted out of that place. Anyway, I went back to pretending, just like you said. Pretending to have friends, a life, that I cared. Which I didn't. I got into drugs, and drinking, and other bad stuff. Then after my sophomore year I moved like a thousand miles away from where I was, and had another breakdown and ended up in the hospital again. Well, after the second time, i actually got better. I stayed better for about 2 years. However, about a week or so ago, I started to be not so much better. I guess all the crap that had been going on, just finally got to me. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I know how you feel. I know what it is to pretend to be ok. I know that it sucks, and how it is to hate yourself. Been there, done that, still doing it. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that you are not alone.

<font color=green>I smile because I have no idea what's going on.</font color=green>