I'm overdoing the depressing posts, I fear, and asking too much for support. Yet, here I go again. I'm in a very dark, scary place these days. A friend called with an invite to a community event. I thought it would be good to get out, and accepted her offer of a ride. Once there, I noticed a young couple with a puppy. The puppy was whimpering and very frightened. She told me he was 6 weeks old. I told her that a pup needs it's mother and littermates until at least 8 weeks. She disagreed. She mentioned her father, who was present, preparing food for this homelessness event. Seeing him, I remembered that, 15 years ago, I was a juvenile court investigator, appointed to this family's case, involving abuse/neglect. She was removed temporarily from her home at age 5, as a result of serious sexual abuse. I started crying, and could not stop. I was about to walk home, when my friend insisted on driving me home, which I'm sure inconvenienced her. We had come to help with meal prep for the homeless. I'm disturbed that I had no self-control, and was so triggered by this crying puppy, and the theme of being taken from home. Dog welfare is my number one hot button. It's obviously also about the neglect I felt as a child, not getting crucial emotional needs met. Abandonment is a theme again lately, because my own large energetic dog's needs aren't being adequately met. I'm trying as best I can, but I also have to consider re-homing him, if (and only if) I found a home where he'd be happier and healthier.

I'm upset for so many reasons, at so many levels. After so much effort to heal over the years, I feel more despair and confusion in the past few years than ever before. To go to pieces in public, suddenly, and be so rigid, so unable to regain self-control, is very disturbing. My only thought was to go home immediately. And apparently, I'm going to pieces in public again, right now. It's humiliating. Sometimes, I can't stand being in my own skin. Everyone here at PC tries to be their best selves, and I go about like Lady Macbeth. I feel like a dark cloud here sometimes. I'm sorry. Is this inappropriate? Best kept to myself? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.