Hello. I m sorry to read you are suffering. Its difficult enough to have the emotional turmoils without ppl telling you u manipulate... Their comments make it worse. I m sorry.

Now - i think it would be useful for you to remember that a lot of what u describe stems from the parania. I mean - the emotional pain stems from it. Thats also why u find it hard to trust your therapist. I would advise to try not to worry about trusting him/her. Trust is built in time and for different ppl it takes different time to build it. U cant and should not force it.

Having said that - remember that therapy is not about brainwash. You cannot be counselled against your will. Just like you cant learn without wanting to. Counsellors are there to work with you. Not against you. So hopefully in time and as trust builds you will feel better. But there is one condition - u have to want it.

I wonder - what was it that voice u say you heard? What did it say?

Please do not be so harsh on yourself. Things can get better. X