I am kind of at a loss of what to do. I first became depressed at 16 but it was thrown into therapy and put on citalopram (half a pill basically a placebo)

I eventually stopped taking the Citalopram by myself (I know bad me,) and stopped going to therapy cause the therapist told me I didn't want to be helped.

Whatever, most 16 year old girls are silly and emo anyways it's stupid.

I figured this was to be my normal existence. I have no willpower to speak of and about a year and a half ago had what you could almost call a "mental break" I broke up with my boyfriend of four years, started being perpetually drunk, hurting myself, sleeping around, taking pens and writing lyrics all over my body to describe how I felt and other generally crazy thinks which I look down upon.

I have wallowed in my depressive state (it's more constant in the last 3 years now rather then up and down) for 6 and a half years (wow that's a long time...never thought about it that way )

Its tearing the current relationship I have apart. I am unmotivated, I sleep all the time, I never finish anything, I can't concentrate on the time we do have together. He thinks I don't care about him and that I don't give a **** about anything and that I'd rather be sleeping with someone else. simply because I cannot bring up enough enthusiasm.

Previously if you asked me what I'd like to do I would have had an answer. Now it is either "Sleep" or 'I don't know what do you want to do?"

I can't afford therapy we are living on minimum wage at the moment. I am also very reluctant to speak to him about it mostly because I'm pretty sure he'd jet due to bad experiences with an ex with depression. (they have a son and she physically abused him as a baby. she's not in the picture anymore) he told himself he'd never get involved with a depressed person again.

ooo lucky me then.

Basically

WTF do I do

Besides say **** it. I think about dying a lot, like a car hitting me or something. I won't commit suicide cause I'm scared I'll **** that up to then I'll be in an even worse position.

-_-