Volatile.....

You are right when you say you will never be the same again......but that is not spiritual death, it is spiritual hibernation......and then rebirth, the beginning of all things. It may feel totally stagnant, totally bereft of all feeling, either good or bad.....but skirting along that is FREEDOM.

Spriritual incarceration where there is no evidence of growth, where there is mud and grey and coldness, must have a polarity. All things exist simultaneously with their polar opposites (sometimes we may feel them simultaneously and sometimes they present themselves as the stronger state which throws things out of balance) - light and dark, love and hate, despair and hope and so on.....

Please forgive me if I sound rudely contrite for it is not my wish to do so, but this "grey" this purgatory if you will, is a equatable state to be in. It allows for growth either way ("going backwards" does not exist, for in the physical world, it is simply movement in another direction. Just as we cannot "age" backwards, nor can we "unlearn" or return to a infant state even if it feels like that at times). We must at times hibernate, experience spiritual stagnation for it is the soul demanding that you "be in the moment" even if the momnet lasts for 4 years, 10 years and so on. The soul is asking you to look within and be honest with what you see......and also be very loving and forgiving. It does not want to be judged anymore, it just wants to exist as its authentic self. It is very dangerous terrain, but incredibly rich as well.

I do not know your journey, but I do know what it is like to feel what you describe. I have had many periods of my life spent in soul stagnation and purgatroy......very scary time until I relised what it was trying to teach me. It stills makes me fearful and depressed, but I know it for what it is and I must practice patience.

Take care dear, dear person......remember...

you are loved.

Keep talking,

Michah