Martina, here is a big hug

Please do not be so hard on yourself. You are a good mother and your daughter will be fine if you cannot do what you would like right now. She knows that you love and care for her, and sometimes that just has to be enough

Would you call it "malaise", "melancholia", "sadness", "grief" or "depression"? Are you tired and wired? In other words, can you wind down when you have the opportunity to.......and look about your environment with calm and joyful eyes?

You have great insight. You have realised that even though you are in therapy, this journey is yours alone and there is great power in that, even if you don't feel it. Would I sound totally silly if I said that you have found your courage even if you can barely lift your head? This is a critical time for you, for it can become dark and overwhelming, but the flip side to that is that you KNOW your own process, even if you don't really know what to do with it yet. That is the Holy Grail of authenticity and TRUTH......inner truth. Therapy can only take you so far......it is you that must make the journey.......and you are never, never alone in this dangerous and liberating landscape. You are LOVED!!

Existential angst, is what I call it. The big questions and feelings of deep failure that rise up for me, every now and then. And every time, they floor me and make me feel useless and burdensome, like I am carrying a block of concrete around my neck. I know it for this and try my best to give it a big old hug and drag that thing along with me and forgive it. I try to be patient and loving with self........and always try to be honest.

Much like you, for the last 3 years, I did not want medication either, but it seems, that like you, I knew when it became "dangerous". When you know your own limits and the signs of a deep melancholia becoming a depressive illness, your instincts to protect yourself and your family will kick in and you will do what is best. TRUST yourself and take the steps to keep yourself safe if need be.

Keep talking to your therapist for that is important, but also talk to yourself. Look within for the answers......

For the truth only comes from within......

Take very good care of your precious self.......there is only one.

Michah

PS sorry if my words are all over the place. My dyslexia is dyslexic today. Thank goodness for spell check