santa won't come if i'm awake, right? can't sleep again. took my meds pretty late int he day today so that may be why. keep thinking about work and all the a**es in my life.

not expecting to see or hear from anyone tomorrow (today?) i made some calls this afternoon but didn't hear back got a call from one friend earlier today though. keep visiting the other boards i am a member of but sick of all the lists of presents they want and presents they got. everything they are giving each other but apparently if i'm not throwing a party for all of them i get nothing... but they assure me they are thinking of me all the time.

worst tonight is my knee really throbbing and painful can't find a comfortable spot in bed. hoping some motion here and sitting will loosen it up and i can go back to bed.

doctor added me back on zoloft this week too so i;m going through the nausea of it, starting off on a lower dose and ramping up so maybe this time it won't be as bad but was hard to eat today. i managed some stuff though

i used to love so many people and would tear my heart out for them if they needed something. id miss work or sleep and do whatever they needed. now i hardly care about anyone anymore and i really feel like i've lost the capacity to love like that. i feel like i spent so much of my life sharing my love with friends but in the meantime they all found the love of relationships that i never made time for in my own life so they've now all got their own stuff to deal with and to support each other and i'm left out like the loser of musical chairs. my own fault. wouldn't stop doing what i did if i could go back and change it but certainly would have looked for a compromise that didn't leave me as exposed.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
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