What gets me is, the technique that worked for my grandmother doesn't work for me. If she asked for help, and didn't get it in a reasonable amount of time, she didn't ask twice. She'd just do it herself. The other person would feel bad. "I didn't mean for her to do it herself. Next time she asks for help, I'll remember to move faster." But when I try the same thing, the other person reasons, "Next time she asks for help, I'll remember to put her off until she does it herself, and I won't have to." It isn't just my husband. It's a common pattern for me in dealing with anyone, any time I have a need. If I ask once, I'm ignored. If I ask twice, I'm accused of nagging. If I blow up, I'm a psycho bi... uh, lady, but at least I get results.

My therapist says it's not a matter of being disrespected, but I just don't see how it isn't. We ended up seeing him this afternoon. He had a cancellation, and any time I'm angry, my husband automatically assumes I'm having a breakdown and need professional help. It can't be that I have reason to be angry, oh no, it must be my mental illness. Hubby won't listen to anything I have to say unless there is a mental health professional in the room. To me, the automatic "it must be a symptom of your illness, not anything I did" anytime I'm upset is also disrespect. It's getting to be a typical scenario. He ignores me, refuses to listen to me until I'm at the end of my rope, and then when I finally lose my temper, he tells me I'm acting crazy and need to see my therapist.

My husband has no memory or cognitive issues, so I don't take "I forgot" as an acceptable reason to wait weeks before doing something I asked. What "I forgot" means to me is, "It mattered so little that I let it go in one ear and out the other." My therapist (a man, by the way) pointed out to my husband that if his *employer* asked him to do something, he's not going to wait to be asked twice, let alone put it off for weeks. Why? Because it's important. His job matters to him. So yes, blowing off what I ask him to do can send the signal, "I don't give two hoots."

He suggested making up a house cleaning schedule, who's going to do what and when, since there are certain chores I simply cannot do. We'll try that, but I don't have a lot of confidence in it. Because we are of two different comfort levels about the appearance of the house. My husband would say, and I'm sure many people would agree with him, that right now the house is "not that bad." Well, I'm sick and tired of settling for "not that bad." I want sparkling, shining, and beautiful. I want organized, dusted, polished, scrubbed... and I want it to stay that way. I am physically incapable of making it that way all by myself, but it seems nobody else cares enough about it to help me.