So as many of you probably remember i went off meds a while back...and had several mini...crisis..i don't know if i posted them all..it just seems things happen and i can't deal when off medication. So i had been starting up again..very gradually, i was on 30mg before i went off...and then went to 10mg...i found...crisis still happened..and was able to deal kinda...and the insomnia and hypomania were really...much milder...but i was feeling the depression kicking in...and so i upped it to 20mg. I'm hypo-manic....and i'm not sleeping...and i just got a performance review..at work....and ..i...pretty much...freaked out...i mean i wrote three pages of..just raw emotion about how unfair the company was...and i mean...i dont know what to do...i'm fairly certain i can be fired for it..and i knew it while writing but i was so mad...now the problem lies in the fact..that as much as i hate to admit it...i kinda need the job...because i am petrified...of getting a new job...interviews...working with..people..i would rather kill my self then get another job...so i don't know why i did that...but it's too late..it's written..and handed in..i can't take it back...i wish i could just take a break from work...but...thats almost as bad as getting a new job..because when i go back after my break they might change my shifts..or..i dunno..it might force me...plus i am paying for my school out of pocket...so...i need money coming in....so if i did take a break it would have to be medical leave....but thats not permanent..and i dont know if i can go to school while on medical leave from work...i just dont know why i have to cause problems...it's so stupid...but i can't control myself....it's ruining my life.
Sorry about the wall..of text...i just need to get it out...and i need help...and i have already called like 2 weeks ago to try to get a new therapist...since i was unable to continue with my regular one..as he is now my teacher at school.....if they wait much longer...i'll be jobless...