Hi folks,

As I've mentioned to a few people, I have been having some success in 3d recently, as my depressive phase has gradually lifted. This has brought me back into the social 'bump and grind' (pardon the expression).

Anyway, I'm very worried about overeacting to people as the pressure builds. I have been insulated from this stuff for a couple of years, by isolating, but now I'm picking up responsibilities pretty quickly. I don't want to blow it.

Three small incidents recently:

1. I was being hassled on by a nervous trumpet player whilst recording a demo CD (I was laying down the core track and leaving him some space). I stopped the session on that day, saying I felt pressured. I later told him I couldn't work with his vibe. I tried to take the blame, but he got very defensive. I still see him socially but I don't enjoy it; he knows I dumped him and makes me feel it.

I postponed the recording until I have settled who I want to work with, maybe I'll be happier solo.

2. I have taken over a poetry/music event, as the people organising it were burnt out after running it for a year. It's only once a month but people will be relying on me. I have told them that from here on I will be running it my way. It's cool with them though, and they will still come as readers. To avoid group dynamics I have told everyone,in a newsletter, that this is an open event - not a group of any kind. We'll have to see how it goes.

3. A neighbour was organising some holiday accommodation for my wife and I but she never got round to it, and time was passing, so I politely took over and booked on the internet. She probably feels a little chagrined, but we now have our holiday booked!

In each of the three cases here, I was polite to the other people involved, maybe more polite than other people would be, but underneath I felt like I was fighting a battle with them.

I just don't like the feeling of having to get around people's feelings all the time. I just want to please everyone, all the time, but I know that would wear me down in the long run. I was doing that when I had my breakdown. I have noticed that people who get things done don't treat everyone as if they were on a committee; they get on with the job in hand. Can I be like that?

The positive thing this time round is that I am out performing my music and poetry as a solo artist, and once on the stage there is no one but me to worry about. That is how I really want it, but I am attracting 'collaberators' like bees to a honeypot just at the moment. This used to happen before, and it was always my downfall.

The truth is that I don't want that this time - Hey - I'm answering my own post!!

I'd like to know what you folks thing, from the point of view of what we can maintain when we have the dreaded depression lurking, and how to go through the triggers when they pop up.

Cheers, M