Everytime I think things are getting better, something cuts me back down. Something else makes me feel like I can't breathe. Something else overwhelms me and makes me feel like I'm drowning. Something else makes me wish that I had never been born.

I never cry, but I cried over this, because I am in trouble with my parents... again. To anyone else, I think I would be considered a good child. But I have failed them. I am so dense... they keep punishing me, and I assumed it was for my lack of faith. Thats not even the half of it. They blame my best friend for how I have changed. They want to take him away from me. They do not understand that he is the reason I am still alive and punishable.

It was not his fault. I felt so horrible and I was not good enough for God or anyone else and so I gave up. Slowly. At first I just wanted a break, to rest awhile, but now I do not see how I can go back. He was nothing but supportive towards me, the whole package. He never talked me out of it and I never felt pressured to do anything, one way or the other. I lost the part of me that could believe to an emptiness, a guilt and a sadness too deep to keep fighting through.

They don't understand because I cannot and will not tell them. I used to. I really did. I tried to talk to them. But everytime I told them something, my life got worse. They punished me. They were mad at me. They didn't trust me. My words came out wrong and I felt so much worse afterwards. And so now I do not share. I don't know how to talk to them. I wish they would just leave me alone and that I was not such a bitter disappointment to them. Secrets are my only safety. But that apparently isn't right either. They're still mad, still don't trust me, still punish me.

My Father and I have no relationship. Why does he think he can punish me into having one with him? Why does he think that will change things? Do they not see that I am just running away deeper inside myself every time they push me into this corner?

My Mother is the one I always wanted to go to. Wanted to talk to. Wanted to make her understand. I love her and I know that they both love me but I have no desire to let her crush my heart by not believing me or taking me seriously yet again.

My heart aches... I hate myself so much. I never deserved any of these good things. And rather than be good and happy and enjoy them like I should, I ruin them. I wish I had never existed. That is my selfish wish to save me from having to deal with this. I am sorry I am so vague. I should not have bothered, and yet I do and then I have one more thing to regret and feel sorry for.