I honestly can't see moving forward.Honest to god.I am really struggling to remain.I missed P doc appt.That means maybe they won't refill my meds .I dunno.I am hurting so bad.I have no idea why I have this swarm of bs in my head that doesn't subside.I have pursued wellness for sooo long.It helps but this dreadful emptiness always randomly takes me.The swarm of thoughts about my inadequacies and the state of the world....imagine that.The world is fkn huge.I know I cant change THE WORLD....if I know it then why do I worry?I have soooo much love to give.Nothing to focus it on.I allow my self to love or to care ...and time after time after time in 43 years .....love proves to be a deficit.It is useless.If love of people and the world, is so engrained in me... as to be compelled to love so deep, even the people who ignore me and hate me...why do I feel for them,for anything,cause...whatever?God gave me a son whose madness is so complete...I brought him into this world only to have the snares of life suffocate his sanity.Why can't I hate and be bitter?.....Why do want to rectify issues with people?Why's it even important?After all it is to no avail.As I wrote in my poem....Love creates a weakness in, those who choose it and cannot mend.Its the truth.Its a fkng burden to care about people.I have no backbone in that area.No control.Every emotion I feel is magnified by 10...I know it because it's obvious.I mean others dont feel so much drama allll the time.Fk maybe they do.But then why am I always ridiculed for being so 'sensitive' yes feelings include frightening anger!The only thing I can do about "feeling" is be homebound and throw this computer away.Plus stay in my bedroom.It'd be the only way to avoid loving and wanting love.I know....I sound fkn crazy.Hahaha it's psych central so what ev.I can't speak the things I type into forums with my audible voice...nor can I communicate it in chat most times.I sooo hate to put my shi" out there for people to see.I am ranting....nothing is going to fix this.I just need to die.Get it over already.I feel so alone.So forsaken....generally numb at all times except when I hit a brick wall like I am now,and tremble and cry like a betch.I am flooded with pain.Staring at a comp screen....revealing myself like the shell that I am.I am weak...I can't bare this isolation......this reality...my family being in the condition its in..dead ,in prison,or detached and the bs people who are so bitter and hardened in their hearts that they'd do what has been done,behave as they have,treat me as they do.....whatever...it boils down to pills,a gun, accidental death,or madness.....no I have no plans.I am still flopping around in the shallows gasping for air resentfully ....but god help me should the opportunity present itself.....that wouldn't go well.Haha pathetic crying to a comp screen.lolololololololololol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!And no....I will NOT appear sad in chat or moan.Period!
P.S....To the A hole serial heart breaking, self important,player of souls (yeh u) ,God forgive you...I do...You are just a sad shell of fakeness who may never look in the mirror and see the impact of your actions to the hordes of shattered hearts you further along into madness.Wake up! Be for real!