It has been some time since my last post here. I think I even tried to leave this place, now when the anti-depressive meds have me under their influence. Feeling a bit numb. Not too suicidal and not happy either. I miss my feelings. .... I don't know who I am anymore. And I am afraid to become too attached to my T. I am just starting to realize how much she really cares, and I don't understand it. She says I can call her anytime. She says she will see me during the holidays if I want to. She says she will be there, and that she is not going anywhere, and she will respect me no matter if I do well or not so well in therapy. ...Now what's my problem? I feel I'm becoming more vulnerable and afraid, because if I let her come too close I might become too attached. Like I never want to let go again. I know one day that I have to let go. My parents weren't there for me, so why should a total "stranger" care? Do they care? I know she is genuine but still the dark thoughts tells me not to trust because I will only end up hurting. It's a dead end, no matter what I do. It's very hard for me to accept help. She wants me to call doc and get a higher dose on meds. Not sure that I want it. Would it help? Would it just make me more numb? I feel crazy like it is..... and I'm falling into my old addiction.... and I don't know if I can stop it. ... what a mess. Maybe I want to be miserable. .. help me someone. Wake me up.