Sitting here in some really deep emotional pain right now over the loss of my love affair.

I'm sure you all have read about it. About us both being bipolar.

I blew it because my bf told me he had sex with his best friend and the wife doesn't know about it. The wife was in torrment about it because they kept lying and saying they were never together. Well, I told her. And has soon as he found out he told me to leave that night. Mind you I didn't have a car and I had loads of stuff over at his place and he couldn't take me because someone smashed a window in his car and wasn't safe to drive like that.

The girl that I tild actually rescued me and my cats and my belongings.

The relationship was a whirlwind of wining and dining and loving.

I know the relationship could not have lasted because of my move and also because my therapist said he wasn't healthy for me.

All that aside, there here times that I miss him so much it feels like someone is squeezing my heart mucle. I don't feel his arms around me.

I even called and groveled to come back to him today but he said I betrayed his trust and he has trust hissues.

Says he still loves me but he needs to get on with his life right now. Its like a bright light went on around me for a few weeks and then total darkness.

I don't self medicate, but I'm really thinking of drinking to take the pain away.

I haven't felt this much hurt since my friend died in Iraq and I had my attempl. I am using my support network fully, but that doesn't even seem to be enough.

I know this man was not healthy for me (his therapist even told him that I should run far, far away from him).

I don't think I will hear from him again or see him again. And that just kills me.

I know I have Vegas and a new life to go to on March 11th. I thin things will be easier than but I can't handle this hugh pain in my heart. I trusted him to love me enough to work on any problems that we had but he can't. He won't cross that boundary which feels more like a wall.

May days are made up of functional okay moments and others are made of this heart wrenching emptyness. I got use to holding him, dancing with him, cooking for him, talking with his and now he's gone.

I can't understand how something like this can happen in a few short weeks. I'm not impulsive but since I was leaving for Vegas, I fugured it would a wonderful way to spend my last weeks in Austin.

About him...he's codependent, is a victim of a pedifile who is still in his life, I think he's a sex and love addict but I'm just a layperson. Hes got OCD, and my therapist said that he had narcissistic and psychotic tendencies.

Please read this and give me any feedback you can. I will be online tomorrow reading and looking for hope.

Yes, I know there will be a special lady up in Vegas, but it's too far away to even hope for. I am still trying to get through eadh day and sometimes I have to do it minute by minute.

I promiise to call the crisis line and my sister if things get to bad. I've taken a klonopin so hopefully that will get me though the night.

Thank you all for reading and any feedback and support you have to give. Although he was not healthy for me and it would not have worked out, I still feel like I love him deeply.