(((((((((((((Squiggle)))))))))))))

My T told me a few months ago that we had to be better about time, and I totally freaked out in just the same way. I heard all kind of messages "I just realized I was giving you a gift by mistake, and I don't want to do that, EVER, so I am taking it back", "You are taking advantage of me and my time", etc. etc. I posted about it here a bunch, actually. It really threw me for a loop.

T and I talked about it A LOT. He really was just trying to be a better time manager. But, wow, did I spiral out about it.

I just read a meditation today...the general idea was to notice what's really there and let what's not really there go. So. What's really there is that T had to end early. What's not really there are all of the other messages you are telling yourself (and that I tell myself). Something about that helped me when I read it today. When I reacted to things, I asked myself "what's really here?" and was able to prevent a spiral or two.

Your reaction is important. It's not stupid, nothing is wrong with you. Your feelings matter, your reactions matter. These sorts of moments with T, as horrible as they are, usually turn into really good moments of growth and a closer connection for me.

Hang in there. It won't feel like this forever.