Oh wow....I feel completely wiped out! (of course, part of that is due to the fact that I have been sick, some sort of flu, and I'm still feeling sort of loopy from that, too ) It was basic enough, but still intense.....not that it was so hard really, but there was a lot of heavy emotion lying under the surface and I could sure feel it!
My T handled it brilliantly (to use one of her favorite words ) and my husband is impressed with her....so this makes me feel good. She actually reminds him of one of his sisters, who is a warm, earthy, type like my T....and shares the same direct manner, but with a gentle spirit in it also....
So...there was basic stuff about confidentiality, etc. Then she asks him how he thinks I'm doing, what does he see - well, of course I hide things/emotions so well, he said he thought I seemed to be doing well enough....and in the course of the conversation he was simply dumbfounded to realize how deep my depression can be, how I've felt that way most of my life...depression is utterly foreign to him. I had also told him about the safety contract I have with my T because of the really powerful SI compulsions, but of course self-harm, why I would want to, was hard for him to comprehend too, so she did a very good job of explaining to him the shame, the anger I feel against myself, the feeling I should punish myself, that drives the compulsion and also what goes on biochemically in a person's body when they do SI......that was one of the hard hard parts of the conversation. My poor husband was looking so teary. He was like, why do you think you're so bad?! no one is perfect, and you're not that bad! So we have this little discussion about how even though I know some things in a spiritual sense, yet emotionally I cannot seem to let go of the shame or the feeling that I am too bad to ever be clean.....poor guy, he's tender-hearted, yes, but so logical, so rational, that this stuff was just overwhelming him. And of course, he really has had no idea what all has been going on in me or the intensity of it, so he felt somewhat blindsided....I really ached for him. But it's a testament to the fact that, as my T said, I have hid it all so well, and I prefer to hide it because I hate to be vulnerable.....So we talked about, as she put it, adding another communication piece to our marriage. How he can have a special phrase to use to ask me if I really am OK, or I can use a phrase to let him know I'm having a hard time.....she told him to be careful and gentle in how he asks and told me to try to respond without flaring up at him for asking (because I have!)
So....it was heavy, but it was productive. I think my husband understands better now my need to be in therapy, what I'm struggling with, and a little better how he can help me. I hate to be so vulnerable, yes, but it's also time to quit trying to do this all alone, without help, and time to learn how to hide a little less, at least from the people who have shown they care and can help! She told him what I need right now is for him to be gentle and loving and she said, I think I can see that you will do that for her.....
But I just don't think I can handle another joint session any time too soon.....I feel wrung out and undone and like I need to find a deeper place to hide! Although it is really a relief to feel like some of the burden of having to hide is lifted.....and to know that I really do have the support of a wonderful husband and a wonderful T who really 'gets' me and cares.