((((Ally)))) sounds like a horrible place to be in, I can relate. I've always thought that things would be so much easier if I wouldn't be 'fighting' myself. It's kind of like you're your own worst enemy, right? but if it helps at all, post here and as others have suggested try to keep yourself busy w/ activities, so that you can get distracted and a break from this. I find that sometimes forcing myself to do things, especially with other people, will help some. can you tell a friends? T? someone? this is a lot to deal with on your own.