Thank you all for your kind words and support. I appreciate it.

Neither my parents nor I are perfect people, obviously. If you ever find a "perfect" person let me know. ) For everything they have done wrong, I am sure they have done many things right. Our problems are mostly my fault. I was a horrible child and though not a particularly horrible teenager by most standards, compared to my older sister I am a she-devil.

I have always had trouble expressing my emotions. That caused a lot of misunderstandings between my parents and I. I would see how far I could push them away before they would react. I would run away and see if they would follow. Because as far as I ran and as hard as I pushed, all I wanted was to have them push back harder and follow me to the ends of the earth. But thinking that if they ignored it, I would stop, they didn't really react. I always craved their comfort and attention and would do anything to get it, but when they gave it to me, I would act like I didn't like it and push them away again. In short, I am impossible.

My older sister had a really good and open relationship with my parents. They assume because I do not have the same relationship, am no longer practicing Catholosism and don't talk to them very much, I must be having sex, lying to them and headed straight for hell. The first is not true, the second is and the third, I do not presume to know.

Most of my problems with them stem from my own problems that I have never vocalized to them. I cannot. I do not think they would believe me. All I wanted was for them to give me attention. Now I just want them to leave me alone. Their reaction is so painfully predictabe: You're cutting? If we punish the crap out of you, then you'll stop. You think you're depressed? That's because you are disobeying God's laws. You won't talk to us? If we take away the only friend you still have, you'll stop hiding things. They would never get me professional help. Never let me see a counselor. Knowing these things would hurt them so much, but their reaction would hurt me far more.

Leed: I do not want children. With my luck, they'd be just like me.

This is not a sob story of a poor girl whose abusive parents lock her in the basement every night. I am "blessed" beyond all reason. My parents are good people. They have their faults. We have both sabataged our relationship. I am sorry for over explaining and boring you to death. Thank you all for your kindness.