Hi... I'm new of the forum, even though I'm lurking, especially this section, from some time.

If I'm writing here, is because I need to spit out some things... I need to share it with people that will probably understand how I feel.

First of all, just to describe you some of my background, I'm going to therapy since almost two years, once a week... I have a lot of problems in my life: social phobia ( because of it: never had a girlfriend, always just a few friends and had a lot of problems at school), depression, some obsessive/compulsive disorder and a really problematic family, just to name the most important ones.

Even if I still didn't get the real turning point (and I'm not blaming anyone, that's not easy at all), with the therapy I had good results on a lot of things, I feel better, I really like my therapist and the opportunity of talking about my problems... but in this last period, too many things are happening and I start to feel less in sintony with her (yes, she's a woman).

It started like this; I don't want to write it accurately, to not hurt the sensibility of other users, but she made a really, really bad remark on me, that left me really blasted, two months ago. I never find the courage to told her and I lose some ability of open up with her. I feel judged.
Then, there's the stuff about her making me calling her "Doctor" or "Mrs"... and I was kinda fine with it... since I find out that people my age (she's in her first forties anyway) are calling her by her first name . I feel jealous, and I feel like I'm not as close and in confidence with her as them... I know there was a reason for this, she said she wants me to be more responsible and it should somewhat help, but it hurts nonetheless. It really do, it makes me feel inferior. And now that almost two years passed, I can't see it specifically helping. Of course, I was never capable of saying this too.

And then... there were the last two, horrible sessions. In the first one I staid silent for at least half of the time... because I was feeling particularly numb, empty and depressed due to some other stuff going on on my life. God if it was embarassing. The hour ended, I paid and I quickly left the room murmuring a good morning... I was hoping for her to send me a mail or call me later (she sometimes did it in the past, after a difficult session), but I find myself checking the mail a lot of times only to find.. nothing.

Then, there was today. It literally was the straw that breaks the camel's back.
I didn't say anything about my week reguarding my more frequently thoughts. We talked about some destructive, other thoughts of mine, and about other stuff... but we always were distant and I disagreed on almost anything she said to me... at the end of the session she told me to seriously think about this situation for the next time.
But that's not all, unfortunately.
You know, there's this other (big) guy that got the appointment after mine, from some months. He ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS waiting near the door (there's a waiting area, just so you know it's not like he didn't have alternatives but to stay there!), like I'm out of the door and he's just there at a few inches. Now, I don't care if he listens or not.. it makes me feel uncomfortable and I don't think it should be normal. It's intimidating. And I never talked about it with my T, too. But today.. what happened was simply too much for me.

We finished session like 5 minutes late... I get out of room with my T, and there he was, like always... she didn't accompany me at the main door (like she used to do, before) and she just turn with him... that's where I clearly heard from him saying to the T..."OOH...FINALLY.. HOW MUCH TIME DID IT TAKE!" (I'm not leaving in an english country and I'm not english myself, I'm translating and I assure you that in my language it was told in a really rude, cruel tone). That was too much.

I walked out devasted... that was MY personal space you was talking about... it's not like we are in a grocery, who are you to speak like this? Sometimes we end in advance and he enter before, it's not like I'm complaining . Some other time I have to personally wait some longer time and I would never, EVER dare to say things like this in a loud voice (I never did complained anyway, as I KNOW therapy isn't easy or prevedible, and people should maybe liteally vitally NEED those extra minutes). It may sound ridicolous, but I feel bullied. I've been bullied when I was a child and now I have to face a similar feeling even in a place where I should feel safe. I don't know if I'm exaggerating things (I don't think so, honestly), but it's simply too much too bear.

And now, since this just can't go on anymore, I will have to say it all to my T next friday. All about this episode, all about me being jealous of others calling her by her first name while I can't, all about the fear of losing trust and ability of opening to her.
And I will have to face this guy, again. It will be scaring and embarassing, and even more embarassing if I'll told my T about this problem. I've even think about asking for a re-schedule just for this time, but that is out of question, it would just be running away... and I'm tired of that. Been there, done that enough.

Thank you if you arrived here... I really write a wall of text and I'm sorry for this... but I really needed to spit it out. Would be nice to read some support or some thoughts on this... next friday looks reall, really scaring by now.

Hugs and kisses to all of you.