I'm not a crier. I used to be when I was a little girl but I stopped a few years ago. I was tired of being a cry baby and I held it in. I still do hold it in, but this week it's proven to be impossible.

It started on Tuesday night. I went to bed at 9:30pm and by 10:15 I was bawling. There was no reason for it, I just started to cry. I had spent the 45 minutes tossing and turning, panicking over a sudden wave of rare claustrophobia and the tears started spilling.

Today I cried for the majority of the time I was at the day program. The pharmasit came up to talk to us and answer our questions about medications (which I'm not on), and from answering one question the topic wandered off course into changing our relationships with our family. Such as, if you had a bad relationship with your little brother, perhaps instead of lashing out and creating conflict you could play games with him. Basically the solution was to change how you act and how the other person will probably change how they act with you.

This got to me and I muttered how that wouldn't always work. When asked why I explained it wouldn't work in my family because my family is "different" and my little brother is special needs and will never be any less stressful than he is now. That was when she mentioned the games, and I said that wouldn't help. Another student added that perhaps pride sometimes gets in the way of having fun with a younger sibling (a valid and sometimes accurate observation) but by this I felt I was being attacked and judged. I sat in my chair in silence for a long time, well into lunch. When the staff noticed my abnormal behavior and started asking questions I needed to excuse myself to the hall for the tears had come again.

I spoke to four different staff members in the two hours I cried for. Each of them trying to pull out the reasons why. The first didn't for at the time I didn't know, but the second got a lot out of me I hadn't told anyone before.. and the last two only got what my poor memory could pick up since as they came much later when I had calm down.

I feel stupid and weak for crying over nothing twice. Only the second staff member I spoke to made me feel like my tears had some meaning, the last two made my fears come true for a moment.. They (in my point of view) belittled my issue..

*sigh*