Thank you all. Thank you for reading this and for being so suportive. Yes, it`s true that all we can do is to continue our lives and decide not to be like people who hurt us.

And, I am doing so as well.

But....funy thing... I went away from my home 19 years ago. Despite I still remember the horor of my childhood, with technically "great" mother but in the same time very violent, abusive person who humiliated me verbaly by every chance...now, when she is an old woman I am pity for her. I am still sorry she couldn`t love me more, or...she couldn`t be at least more gentle...and I still feel quilty....and I know I shouldn`t.

My feelings for my mother are so ambivalent...I forgave her already (and I know I shouldn`t ) and now I am almost ready to do enything, just to see one smile on her face, one single nice word. In the same time I hate her, I hate myself, I hate all my tryings to make her love me, to make people love me. I hate doing this all the time.

I spent almost my whole life trying to satisfy somebody, trying to deserve somebody`s love, to be worth of attention. And, in my personal or profesional life, I always chose people who were "small dictators" - their demands were unreachable...

So...what I am doing? Am I still trying "to satisfy" my mother and father and deserve their love?
Are my efforts to have an happy familly only my desperate need to see my parents together (they split before I was born and i met my father when I was 16).

That`s freaky - trying to satisfy persons who devastate your life. Being sorry for father (he died) who didn`t know nothing about me for years...Trying to keep my mother alive at any cost....And in the same time thinking about everything happened and feel like a big-big-nothing.

What`s wrong with me?