I went to that link and read the page. I do know that I feel calmer after crying, and on Tuesday I didn't mind crying because I didn't feel hurt inside of me. I felt as normal as I would have any other day except I had tears spilling out of my eyes. I have thoughts in my head that make me think that if I cry in public or in front of others than maybe they'll see how emotionally messed up I am, perhaps be more understanding, but at the same time I don't want people to see me cry for I view crying as a ugly thing.. and I don't want people to think that I'm pathetic, weak, over-sensitive, or that I'm attention seeking. It's a mind-set I was pushed into by classmates and cousins who witnessed my crybaby stage. It's hard to think other wise.

I don't know why I was crying the first time. Maybe I missed how I used to be as a child, or I was upset by the fact that I had lost so much of my life from being too much on the computer. I don't mean that in the way that I had wasted my time talking to the people I've spoken to, but while I was crying I was remembering things about me I had somehow forgotten; things that at one time defined me as a person. I remembered so much in the short time I was crying, that it became over whelming and I couldn't stop. I felt strange, like I was a kid again, like I was me again.. but knew when I woke up in the morning I wouldn't feel the same way anymore - I'd go back to being the empty shell I am today.. That realization also set me off.. but as I mentioned before through this episode I wasn't sad. I wasn't frustrated. I was unemotional yet emotional. I wasn't feeling anything negative, but I was crying.. which is why I'm so confused about it.

The second time.. I felt I was being judged.. because, well I took the student's comment personally. It came right after I mentioned that playing with my brother wouldn't help and the way the conversation went I felt he was implying I was too proud, too stuck up, too mean a sister. Another thing, the "if you change how you act with your family the quality of your relationship may change with them in return" also got to me because that just wouldn't work with my family. No matter if I changed with my brother he'd still be how he is. I have already tried and given up changing with my Mom, and she still plays her games. My family will be forever judgmental and rude.. It was a piece of advice that might work for some, but not for all, and a quick simple answer such as "your mother loves you, no matter what, maybe you need to give her a chance.." that hits hard. It makes me mad. It makes me upset.. feeling alone and misunderstood..

My last two counselors that spoke to me.. I couldn't explain this to them and because I lied a bit about the severity of my depression and couldn't force myself to admit I had been in a "relationship", completely ripped apart.. or even talking about some other things that had happened.. They're belittling my problem. I know it's my fault.. but I feel ashamed of it all, embarrassed, and afraid that they'll tell my Dad. They told me if there was ever a place to say what I have to say it would be there, but I just.. can't.. My head thinks that if the words aren't spoken out loud then it didn't exist.. If no one in my current life knows anything happened, then it didn't happen..

That's why I haven't told my Dad I cried at the program on Thursday, nor did I go today, and neither did I mention crying to anyone but you kind people at this forum. If my Dad doesn't know I cried, my friends online don't know I cried, and if I don't have the face the ones who do know for three full days.. then maybe I could pretend it never happened, and forget about it? A poor cowardly running away solution to my issue.. but it's one I like to go to a lot..