I just can't think of the words. My mind is all over the place dammit!

I NEED time to myself ~ Time to somehow get through the pain and intense anxiety that I feel inside. It isn't possible though. I could do a few hours here & there, but that isn't enough!

My aunt is dying, I can't afford to go see her & I've been fighting memories of my "childhood" spent with her for 20 years. I WISH that I could have gone to California before she went in for surgery. I knew that chances of success weren't even 50/50. I knew that I need to work through these memories and emotions...but I couldn't do it.

Her body is shutting down. It's only a matter of time now...and I'm a basket case of emotions inside. To look at, my body is very stiff, my eyes miles away. I need to work through this now, but I don't know *how*.

I've been trying to post all day...but anywhere just feels the wrong place to be. The wrong words to say. Nothing really can bring what I am thinking and feeling across. I don't know what to do. I'm just... lost..