Dear One: Wherever your mother was, it was obviously not with you. I know that most religions put a very big premium on forgiveness, I'm a churchmember myself. One of the things that I've learned over the past couple of years of reading, searching my soul, and therapy has been very helpful, so I would like to pass it on to you. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you grant the person who wronged you absolution. What happened was horrible and can't just be wiped out as if it didn't happen, which is what I think some people seem to mean by forgiveness. I've learned that what forgiveness really means for me is getting to a place where I can quit wanting vengeance. A person who does wrong can be very sorry for what they've done, but that doesn't mean that they don't have to pay the consequences for their wrong-doing. They can say "I'm sorry," and you can accept that and try to move on. However, they still have to make restitution for what they did. This is the point, to me, where forgiveness comes in. I have to be willing to let God (or whoever/whatever it is you worship) make sure that the person who did me wrong pays whatever penalty is involved. I give up the need to punish and let God handle it however that happens. I don't have to set myself up and stay in a situation where bad things can happen again (like keeping up a relationship with a neglectful and uncaring mother), but I also don't have to worry about making things "right". I've done my part by being willing to forgive and turning the situation over to God.

I hope this helps a little. It's about the only way I've been able to get on with my healing and still call myself a "Christian" person. I hope I haven't offended you. -Jane

Keep walking past the open windows.