|
Don't touch me,
I hope that you are gaining at least some strength from the posts you've received. There's a lot of good advice I'm seeing here from everyone.
It's very hard when you're suffering and other people don't understand or validate that suffering. Unfortunately our society has very little comprehension of what mental illness is and how to cope with it. I think anything that has to do with the loss of control over oneself is terrifying to most people and they'd prefer not to deal/think about it. Most don't even recognize that mental illness has nothing to do with personal fortitude or willpower.
Mental illness runs in my family as well. My Uncle was diagnosed manic depressive (now known as Bipolar)/borderline schizophrenic at sixteen (I think) and permanently hospitalized at nineteen. He passed away in the hospital at 54 two years ago. While mental illness still seems to have an air of taboo in current society, I can only imagine the stigma that existed back in the 50's and 60's. I know my Grandfather thought for the longest time that my Uncle's behavior was under his own control, if he only had the 'will' to control it. Given enough time he came to realize it was not.
The odd thing about human beings is how much denial we can be about things that we know deep down to be true. My Aunt (my Mother had two sisters and two brothers) has a son with Aspergers and couldn't admit it to herself until he was twenty even though there were signs that there was something wrong when he was an infant. Even her own experience of having a mentally ill brother didn't guard against denial.
As much as you are dealing with your mental issues, the people around you have their own as well. Personally I believe no one escapes, especially in today's society, a certain amount of mental baggage. Don't take their burdens as your own. Don't personalize THEIR issues. You have enough to deal with. They obviously don't understand, but that's not your responsibility. It's a burden, yes, because it exasperates your isolation, but don't identify yourself with their own denial. I hope you get what I'm meaning here, I know it sounds convoluted.
One way or another, it sounds like you may need a new therapist. Do realize that good therapy involves a certain amount of digging and uncomfortable feelings. To a degree overcoming mental illness is a form of emotional weightlifting, breaking down and hurting before building up to something stronger. Not that I'm an authority! I'm a mess myself right now. But please, get help. Try and find other outlets to connect with others. Are there any group therapy sessions you might get involved with? If so, use these sessions to connect with people and maybe find a different therapist. I actually found a great therapist through a Codependents Anonymous group, unfortunately I moved away from where she was located.
Also, I strongly recommend continuing your education. You stated somewhere that by turning 18 you'd have to start working, which isn't necessarily the worst thing in the world for you, but college offers a realm of opportunities to better your mind in more ways than one. I'm not sure if that is financially an option for you, but I highly recommend it, even if it's only one class a semester at a community college, getting out there learning about something you're interested in while exposing yourself to new people isn't a bad thing. Talk about crazy, I haven't done precisely that in five years, but I know it's the right thing to do. If you can manage it, I think it might help.
I wish you the best of luck and hope that life gets easier for you.
(Eegads that was long! Sorry for being a blowhard!)
|