you are not a freak. Please remember that.
It's really hard to get around to being honest with your therapist, it took a long time for me to trust mine enough to let her know what was really going on. If you can, please tell him, that's what he's there for. If he judges you for this feelings the he really isn't doing his job. He's there to support you.

But please, these sound like really dangerous thoughts and you need as much love and support as possible right now. Don't feel guilty, don't hate yourself for feeling this way, you are fragile right now and deserve whatever is out there to make you feel safe and strong.