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So weird, I usually don't have them, but this morning, I didn't quite feel like myself. I don't know if it was the chocolate, but I'm feeling a bit better now. I had an add on, "only if I need it' from my psychiatrist, Atavan. Just ten pills. They were prescribed to be cut in half, but they were so small, the size of a birth control pill, too small for me to cut. SO I just took one whole pill. Small but powerful. I’m already on Prozac, she said take it if I need to, like a mood relaxer or whatever. Anyways, I took it the other day around 8 and by 9 I went to bed. It knocked me out. The next day I felt really tranquil though. Now maybe I'm cranky/suicidal because of it? My Psychiatrist says it has the chance of becoming addictive, so, maybe I'll hold off and see how I feel? I don't know. Maybe I just needed some chocolate? I hardly ever have some because I'm trying to lose weight (not much good that does, but whatever) Well, I thought I'd post this, because I think I should, because suicide is something that's been nagging on the back of my mind for a few months now, I can't shake it. I just feel like it's inevitable that within ten years I'll be dead- either at my own hands, or as a martyr for something I believe in. I've never really felt like I was meant for this world- I remember when I was younger, I always thought I would be one of those girls that got kidnapped killed. I don't know why. I never thought I'd live to high school graduation. Now, nearly ten years over, I don't know what the point of life is. It seems like I've learned all there is to know about the world, and it's just really depressing. Nothing ever seems to get better, there’s always a war somewhere, people are leaving a ****** future for those who come after us- so much suffering going on that it's impossible to help everyone. I am scared of having children- I would feel guilty for bringing them into this world. Spiritually, I've left this world for a couple of years now- I only stick around because I know how much it would hurt those who care about me if I left them. Of course, tomorrow I'll feel better. These feelings come and go. Almost every other day- but more so lately. Well, that’s enough rambling; I have to get back to work soon. Later.
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