Hi Sannah,

I did talk to her about it the week before last. She acknowledged that she hadn't asked me in a very nice way about using the DBT skills/book. But she insisted that she's not frustrated with me, more with herself because she doesn't always know how to best help me. While i appreciate her honesty, it doesn't make me feel much better. It still sounds to me like she is saying that i am not doing well enough in therapy.

She seemed to want to go back to doing "parts" work and trauma resolution work, but truth be told, i don't feel comfortable being that vulnerable with her right now. Those vulnerable parts of me were hurt by her comment, even if she didn't mean to hurt me. It takes a whole ton for me to be able to let somebody emotionally close to me -- yet that is what is necessary to open up and trust enough to do the trauma work. When i sense that she's getting impatient with my progress, especially if it's because she wants to retire and be rid of me, that is a very hard thing for me to overcome.

The funny thing is, i still feel compassionate towards her regarding her mom, and even gave her a card i made about mothers (it was sort of a collage thing). So i guess, in my way, i am still open to connecting with her. But it's in more of an "I'll give to you" way, rather than me being able to take in caring from her. I know that's probably backwards for the t relationship. I guess i am saying that i still feel hurt by her frustration about my progress, and scared about her retirement. But i still care about her and want her to know it. Still, since i feel like she gets unhappy with how i progress and i feel looming abandonment fears, i can't seem to let her in right now.

I think i'm disappointed too because she told me awhile back that she was thinking of retiring and going back to having her own private practice. She said she'd try to get on my insurance, and if she couldn't, she would work with me on the price of therapy. So for a little while, i was able to completely let go of my abandonment fears, since i thought i'd be able to keep seeing her after she retired. But now when i've brought up her retirement and my possibly not being ready to terminate, she has indicated that I'll have to go see somebody else. So apparently, she has changed her mind about keeping me as a patient once she retires. I wish she hadn't told me what she did before. It's like my ballon got popped and now I'm back to fearing her retirement again.