It has been over a year since I have cut. My mom died last Monday from ALS. I was there when she died.

I feel like a silent train wreck. I feel myself imploding. I can’t do this anymore. My chest is tight. My stomach is in knots. Panic just grips me. I want out of my skin. I just want to scratch it off, all off. I feel like I am suffocating. I feel physically sick.

I see her suffering every time I close my eyes. It won’t go away. It comes back anytime I am alone. I still see her gasping for breath, the fear and confusion in her eyes as she clutched my hands. I still hear her rattled breathing as she lay dying. I was the one who woke to find she had died. I had to call to have her removed from the house. I sat there as she was wheeled out.

I have to be the strong one. I have to take care of my sister. I have to be strong for her. No time for me to cry. I have to deal with self-righteous family members. My family is not here. No support for me. I am alone again.

My father ambushed me at the hotel the moring of her funeral. I have not spoken to him in over 12 years. He physically abused me for 19 yrs and has apparently decided to continue to emotionally abuse me. He is threatening to blackmail me. He says he has a photo that I have no recollection of. He is threatening to email it to people because I will not talk to him.

The fear, stress and anxiety are overwhelming. I desperately need peace. I only feel emotionally numb and anxious. I need to turn it into physical pain to release it. I haven’t hurt myself in almost a year. I had it under control. I feel that control slowly slipping away. I’m afraid of crashing. I feel so alone. God help me. I can’t do this. It is too much for me.

insecurity