I hate to tell you, but before all the Mental stuff started back when you were young, You knew somethings that were healthy for you, You KNEW something besides this, and can change life. Just keep on trying to get help. and if things get bad, then call a crisis line. I called one day, and I'm glad I did. Even though I was in the Hospital for like 5.5 days, it really did me a lot of good. Just keep on going, things will get better. They always do. Just keep your head up. Keep us posted.