(((Can't Stop Crying)))

My heart aches reading your post. I tried to post the other day, but I got kicked off the internet. So, I'll have to be more brief this time.

Sex with my ex-hub was very painful for me too, partly due to endometriosis and a tilted uterus ~ which put additional pressure on the cervix. I can see now that my pain was mostly due to my emotional state of mind. I could *not* relax. I frequently dissociated during sex, automatically, to avoid the self-hate and shameful thoughts that always came with sex.

We tried seeing a sex therapist. We tried exercises to make me more comfortable with my body. We tried lubricant. What we didn't try was working through my childhood experiences that have followed me throughout life. While I cared about my hub, as a human being, I often questioned my love for him. I was completely paranoid that I wasn't "in love" with him.

Deep, deep shame for leading him on to live with me motivated me to give into his sexual desires ~ but I was emotionally gone. I was not present in the moment at all! I could not escape the fear that my elders were up in heaven looking down upon me. (This intense fear is indescribable, and is stuck deep in my core. Peculiar...because I don't even believe in heaven/hell. But that fear is inescapable!)

The result of my inner battles was: dissociating to give hand or blow jobs, massages, and maybe 6 times/year giving in to sex. None of it was enjoyed. That fear inside of me grew as time passed. I'd panic whenever my hub simply gave me a kiss. I felt major pressure inside...and I held it in. Near the end, we were down to even more rare intercourse (partly due to my physical health worsening ~ but that was an excuse). I didn't think that I ever wanted romance. there was no such thing as romance. I feared that I was gay because my sexuality was SO repressed. Simply seeing a romantic ad would trigger some physical reaction inside of me. I panicked ~ why would ads excite me when I was SO BAD with my hub??

I needed to deal with my sexual history a bit, before I could ever feel a little better. That's what I did in therapy. Also left my hub ~ a joint decision ~ and stayed away from all sexuality for 1 1/2 years. Through that time and work, I slowly discovered myself sexually. It has been a very long road, as you can imagine. But, I have been in an enjoyable sexual relationship for over a year now, with a man, and it hasn't been painful. To not be painful at all is AMAZING...but, it's true. I have been open about some of my core experiences with my bf, which helps him understand me a bit.

I do still fight self-hate and guilt. but the feelings aren't as strong as before. I think that they're a warning to me.

Sorry this is so long ~ just needed you to see how well I understand where you're coming from. I wish you gentle hugs hon!