I know this is very hard on you. You need to cry. Crying is a good thing and should not be repressed. If you don't cry about this, the cutting will get much worse, along with everything else. This you must do! You can't get over her without crying, either. I don't think you want her death to keep you from living. Do you think she would want her death to bring you down so much? That it would drag you down forever? That is why you need to cry about this...over her.

Please hang in there.