I think I've felt so much of what you're writing about. There's times when just the friendliness in the T voice, or the fact that he hasn't kicked me out yet, makes me want to yell and scream at him, cause I know it's not real...I think he must hate to see me coming through the door for the next appt. I've even gotten the nerve to say it a few times to him. He usually smiles and looks surprised. He assures me it's not the way he feels at all, which only scares me more. You're right, feeling an attachment to your T, or that she might care about you is way scary, kind of uncomfortable. My T's comment was" it messes with your head." Sometimes I want to yell 'I need some distance here!".

I also find the good day/ bad day happening. If I have 2 days when things feel almost okay I think I must be done with therapy. I figure he won't want me to come back since the problems aren't right in front of me right then. Then the next day I feel like I can't get out of my own way. I don't want to talk with anyone at work. I don't even want to be there. I want to time just to be, not to talk or think or do anything in particular, just to feel what seems to be sitting there all around me.

For me it seems to be getting gradually better. The dark days don't feel quite as dark. I'm starting to believe that maybe my T can care about me, although it still seems crazy that he would...I'm starting to think at least he doesn't seem to hate me like I thought he would. The numbness is still there about some things, but mostly it doesn't feel so artificial, like it did when I started on the meds.

The ppl here are amazing. Venting is good actually. Better to express it than let it beat around inside your head. Keep coming back and writing. Theres lots of experience and wisdom at this site. Many of the ppl have been where you are.

Please hang in there. Give it time. quay