Well, I see T again in 3 hours. I had a hard time sleeping last night and thought about the session yesterday. T made a comment about the boundary thing - he asked me what a T would look like who had no boundaries. It wasn't fun to think about as it reminded me of the abusers. I understand his putting up boundaries and such, but the silence really does impact me. I sent him the poem about "Silence Kills" and he thought it was very good. Of course that made me feel like a kid wanting a parent to approve I don't like feeling that way.

But last night I kept thinking about the whole door issue. How I felt like the door being closed when I leave session and then T doesn't respond in emails to my whimpers makes me feel little again. So I wrote a poem about doors and posted it here on PC in the creative forum.

I asked him to have me talk about it in session today because I will run from it - I already am. He is going to give me both hours - 90 min double session. He said he has no one after me so I can have him for as long as I need him I thought "So forever and ever!"

But last night while feeling that pain and processing through things, I found myself seeing T like a spy machine inside my secret heart - someone the children inside me wanted to touch and see, but when they did touch it, it wasn't real. It was not there and it made a shock in their tender hearts. So we made us another safe place inside that area where T has been the only one to get access and we hid away that most tender bits of us. My little one alter wants to tell T what we did because she thinks it is fun. But I don't want T to ever know about this. I feel like I have a need to continue to find a way to keep my softest bits protected. To not allow even a slight breath of wind to harm it since it is so fragile.

I want to focus on how to stay on track and not go over the edge with work. I need to have the safety plan in place. Uggg. So much I need to do today in session, but all I WANT to do is go see him and curl up in his lap like a puppy if he would let me