thanks perna and rainbow. you both make good points, that perhaps it's not about her. maybe there's a small part of me that needs to make it about her (or about therapy), since i want to post here lol.

but really, i do think there's something that's not quite adding up for me right now. yes rainbow, i think on some level i've always felt this way because it seems to come and go. yes, i read her the list of (50!) questions, but wasn't really asking them. it was more of like, "here's what i wonder about you.." guess i chickened out. anyway, thanks again for trying to help. and for the hugs.