We had two new members at group today, and some time was spent working through the rupture that happened last week in group - plus trying to integrate the new members.

I had a really, really hard time staying present. I hate when that happens. One of our long-time group members was talking, and he said the words "crossing boundaries"....and I wanted to run for the hills. It just triggered me, big time...and because we now have more people in group, the chairs were further apart, and T's chair was blocking the door...and I just wasn't there any more. I just needed to concentrate on breathing....

UGH.

Anyway, T seemed happy to see me...and I couldn't help but feel disappointed afterwards because I feel as though our relationship is now scarred from this whole recent experience.

I know that during difficult times, it can lead to growth and understanding....but at the moment, I'm just feeling so disappointed...and angry....and upset.

As I think back to all that occurred this past week between me and T, I feel as though I learned things about him that makes him seem....I don't know...it just gives me that yucky sad feeling inside. He is gestalt based and basically teaches us in group to express our feelings, not be judgmental, etc. - yet in reading his email to me, he reacted totally out of character for what he preaches. Hypocritical.

And then to meet with me at my session...telling me that he felt that my email response to him was hurtful....that I was making it about money....that I was being dismissive....

Whatever happened to telling me how you feel? And not being judgmental or accusatory or making assumptions or telling me what "I did wrong" and making "I" statements.....

He posted on the blog recently, owning up to his piece of things...finally. FINALLY. He said he wasn't thoughtful. He said he wasn't as patient. He admitted several things....But not once did he apologize for his actions.

At the very end of my last session, I told him I was sorry. He said, "Me too".....I asked him what he was sorry for. He said, "I'm sorry you were so hurt from what I said".....and you know the rest.

Surely, I tried to hold onto his comment about how if was a choice between protecting himself and protecting me, he wouldn't protect himself if he knew it would cause me so much harm.

But instead, I'm upset about the fact that he didn't apologize for his actions, or for what he said, or for how he approached it. He said he was sorry that I was so hurt by it. Which I am taking as he wasn't sorry for what he did. What he did was against what he preaches, and although he is human, I do expect him to model certain behaviors...

I will see him on Thursday, and I am hoping to have my ducks in a row so we can make it a productive session. Now that he has gotten his head out of his rear and sees where he contributed to what occurred, I am wondering if it'd be worthwhile for us to re-read the emails together...I'm curious to know how he'd feel about them now, in retrospect. If he makes excuses or doesn't see an issue...then that would be concerning to me.

*sigh*