Hi Poetgirl,

My t said she's not frustrated with me, that it's me that thinks I'm never doing good enough. But I dunno. If i was doing good enough, she wouldn't get frustrated with herself because of thinking she's not helpine me enough, y'know? (Confusing!)

I sent her an email 2 days ago, where i brought up what she told me last year: that when she retired, she was going back to private practice and would keep me as a patient. I asked if she has changed her mind.

She said, "Changed my mind about which thing? About having a private practice?"

I said, "Abouth both. But mostly about keeping me as a patient."

She said, "I would love to have a definitive answer for you but I don’t have it quite yet. I’m thinking about using a home office but not sure about it. I’ll let you know when I have the answers."

Afterwards, i felt really guilty that i keep asking her about retirement. She has told me before that she hasn't made any clear decisions, and my anxiety about losing her as a t has made me ask her every few weeks. I also felt guilty that she told me earlier that I'm one of the reasons she hasn't retired yet (though I'm not the only reason). As much as i'm terrified of losing her as a t, i don't want to make her feel obligated to keep me as a patient if she really wants to retire. A part of me wants to cling onto her and cry and say, "PLEASE don't go!!!" But the adult part of me would not respect myself if i played on her emotions like that.

So i emailed her this:

R,

I’m sorry if you feels like I’m bugging you about this. I understand you haven’t decided what you want to do yet. I remember reading somewhere that when you’re going through a major transition in your life, it is not a good time to make any big decisions. So I’ll try not to keep asking you about it. It isn’t good for you to feel pressured right now!

I hope you know that I’m not trying to influence your decision. In fact, I am doing my best not to have ANY expectations about whether you decide to terminate with me or continue with me in private practice. I know everything is up in the air right now. My anxiety just gets the best of me sometimes.

The last thing I want is to lose you and our relationship. I know that whenever we terminate, it’s going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But I care about you enough to realize that this decision needs to be about both of our needs, and not just mine. I wouldn’t respect myself if I tried to make you feel obligated to continue my treatment, if in your heart you end up deciding that retiring and terminating with me is the best option.

I know you’ll tell me your decision when you make one.

The thing is. . .I'm trying so hard to do the good and right thing. But underneath all of it, i am scared to death about losing her!!! I don't know how i will cope if she leaves soon. Really truly.