wow, this so cool to come on here and see all of these responses! i don't know why, but it totally surprises me everytime. i think PC is pretty ****ing cool that way. (now if we could only just cuss on here, that'd be great!)

treehouse, yeah, i think that's pretty close to what's going on. i had a definite a-ha moment when i read what you wrote. thanks for mentioning that, it really makes a lot of sense for me.

granite, glad to see you around too, and thanks for all the hugs!

geez, thanks. i'm glad this is relatable to some people. it helps to not feel so crazy about it sometimes. also, thanks for the hugs - i know how important they are to us!

suga, yes, the realizations do hit hard, and i think you're right - there is a definite worry that she doesn't care or isn't going to be there.

eileen, thanks! me too. you're right, it can't be filled by her, yet i don't know what it's supposed to fill it either. some day's i do feel like i'm getting closer to finding answers, but that certainly was not the case yesterday.

thanks again to all of you for helpin me out..