A see-saw is exactly what I would describe my life right now. I am nearly 18 years old and have been coping with something which is like have a misery twin on my back. I am going to try and explain in words exactly how I experience this so I hope others can understand Or even relate.
First of all I can have the best day of my life and completely forget everything that makes me worry and then the next day or even Moments later I am so emotionally down its unbelievable and so frustrating. I just don't understand it. I can have days were I don't care about anyone who is causing me problems or anything and just push on with other day to day things and the next day I am so down and vulnerable I stay in bed and try to stay in my room excluding anything that might emotionally or mentally stress me even more. Sometimes these can be the littlest issues that drive me into a depressive mode, a mode that can last for a week or even longer sometimes. Sometimes I can tell that I am about to loose it again and shut myself away from family and friends so that they don't notice even though my mother just knows I am not in the right state of mind. When I am in this state I can be angry with people, shouting, grumpy and most of the time drained of energy. I have friends and I do socialise now and again sometimes drinking to hide and forget what I always haft to deal with but I know in my mind I am not happy and sometimes I have tried to speak to friends about random things that stress me out and they just think its normal, I know its not. Its not normal to feel so scared and vulnerable that you don't want to leave the house, feeling like the whole world is against me and a lot of the time Paranoid to even be seen by family let alone people outside. If you were to see me you would have know idea I suffer from this. This, that's what I call it, cause I have no clue what it could be and what has brought it on from around the age of 15 I think. Anyway it has stunted me a lot, Sometimes I feel worthless, stupid and thick like there is nothing for me to live for with No motivation at all, Then sometimes hours later or the next day I feel like no one is better than me with a huge burst of motivation and emotion, For example I will force myself to go out even if its just walking the dog round the park and I will feel so good when I get back knowing that its done and I can say I've done something productive. It can make you feel so high sometimes and then make you feel so Low which for me usually leads to Isolation, emotion, frustration, anger,stress, anxiety sometimes, and when I am about to leave to go out I have even had really bad panics feeling like everyone is waiting for me outside and like I am not good enough, This usually completely makes me loose confidence And I decide to stay in instead, it rarely happens if I am with a friend or someone to talk to but happens nearly all the time when I am on my own and now I have just gotten use to going out when it gets darker feeling less anxious. I can't stand crowed places when I am in this state of mind, I am shaky and try not to make contact with everyone's eyes usually staring at the floor, Loud noises also make me jump I can't stand them And sometimes I even resort to ear plugs which I have got hold of though I am waiting for my new phone witch should help by keeping music in my ears, Music can help me a lot and was my passion but "this" has began to make me think its just a dream and pushed me back to reality. I panic when I know I have something to do but I can't get to doing it cause my brain feels like its actually going to Explode sometimes, so then I freeze and begin to slow down and forget about everything I just stop caring and I have stopped doing a lot of things in life because of this. I could go on with this forever but I have now lost my motivation to write this truly. I can say right now I am feeling at medium, drifting in and out of high and low fazes, Just going to haft to see what the future holds for me I guess. I have tried to ignore this so many times sometimes even feeling like I have succeeded but BANG it strikes again and sometimes I feel it coming on. You Wouldn't believe I have not had a Bi-Polar test yet but looking deeply into this I wouldn't be surprised if "This" was bi-polar x